Who was your Other Mother?
Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping. Mr. Rogers
As a psychotherapist I ask questions about a client’s history when I meet them. I want to hear about their childhood and family of origin because family relationships and the environment we grew up in influence how we handle events in the future. Research shows that a secure attachment, i.e. a loving and safe environment in childhood, helps build resilience when difficult or traumatic life events arise in the future.
Many of my clients grew up in homes where there was domestic violence, abuse or neglect or they experienced terrifying events like natural disasters or war. In these cases, I ask, “Who were the other mothers in your life?” Invariably my client tells me a story about a sibling or grandparent who protected them, a teacher who recognized their gifts and talents, a neighbour who provided a place of safety. It doesn’t have to be a life-or-death situation for helpers to have a significant positive impact.
©KathyKarn
Feeling safe, being seen, loved and supported in early development is the best gift we can give a youngster. Elephants know all about this. Allomothers, or nannies abound in elephant society. They are the “other mothers” in a young calf’s life. This story played out before me early one morning on the Amboseli plain in Kenya.
©KathyKarn
As day broke, I noticed a tiny calf sandwiched between its mother and a nanny as they headed towards the savanna for a day of grazing. When the group paused to graze the tiny elephant did what most youngsters do when adults are occupied; it began to explore.
We were a fair distance from the family, but I could see the tiny form peel away from mama’s side and high tail it to one of the other females in the group. He paused to suckle even though there was likely no snack available. Closeness provided comfort and emboldened him to go further.
Find the tiny elephant in the centre of the image daring to cover open territory to the safety of a nanny. ©KathyKarn
As he tore about the adults closed the circle, not too tight, but close enough that the baby could continue to play without risking his safety.
©Kathy Karn
As an observer I could tell this little ele was having a blast. When the big wide world felt like too much he raced back to mama. She was there, calm and reassuring.
Race to home base ©KathyKarn
Once within the protective aura of Mom the calf turned and faced us defiantly, ears flared, legs spread wide. Such boldness! Such confidence! His posture radiated “Look at me!” The tiny dynamo’s curiosity and confidence lifted me up. I laughed out loud at his antics.
A secure attachment promotes independence and curiosity ©KathyKarn
My glimpse into the vignette of growing up elephant filled my heart with joy and appreciation for the wisdom of elephant society. How different our world would be if every child grew up with kindness and love where healthy boundaries allowed for growth while maintaining appropriate protective limits? I witnessed the power of community and a new appreciation for the African saying “it takes a village to raise a child”.
©KathyKarn
Being an “other mother” can change the course of a child’s life for the better. Who were the “other mothers” in your life?
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